Scared much?
I AM SO MORTIFIED.
This might have been stupider than giving you my notebook, since this time it's all about you. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Of course, now I regret it, but can't do much about that now, except put a tracker on the website to see if you ever actually look at it. I won't do that either. I guess I'll jst assume that at some point you do.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Well now I guess I'll just summarize, just in case you get tired of reading:
13 Mars --- Pretty much sums up how I was feeling on and off since last December (though not so much since then, which is obvious by the lack of blogging). I guess now you know that a month ago I sent an e-mail saying that you were hot. That's mortifying in itself.
12 Mars --- This one is really stupid, and you're not mentioned at all, so don't go trying to find any hidden meaning. It's just me ranting about Ashland.
30 Janvier --- I had some intuitive feeling that you would read this, and so I wrote this letter to you.
24 Janvier --- This was just rambling. If you're bored at this point, don't bother. It's the impromptu story of how I would write French/English/Tibetan (which isn't really a language) books if I had a parachute.
21 Janvier --- This is about Kay Sackinger, not you, in case you were wondering.
20 Janvier --- An intro, and a list of my favorite people.
I know that this is a really long preface, but I'm pretty embarrassed, and I don't really want you to think that all I write about is you, because that was the whole point of this log, because I didn't want to talk to people about it, and I thought my notebook deserved more variety. So this is pretty in accurate, but it obviously served it's purpose.
Thing is, I'm not quite put together right now, so ummmmm... Take with Grains of salt?
2 commentaires:
This is a comment that reaffirms your wholesome goodness, at least, and most importantly, in the eyes of those that matter.
i tried getting to this earlier, but it took me , literally, 5 tries, and creating an empty blog to even figure out how to get to your page. it's nice to know i don't have an assumed understanding of the damn computer anyway, makes you feel a little more human, ay?
i read everything.
i hope you were able to take some of what i gave you, and that it didn't all shrivle in the smoldering vats of bitterness. i'm sorry for the pains, frustrations, fist threw the wall moments you might have seen, so god damn sorry. sometimes, regularly, i feel as though i shouldn't write back to you, call you, or chase after you on the street, sitting deep in knee shaking shame of the ways i've hurt you. maybe i shouldn't, but the problem is i do still care, i just sometimes am bottled with guilt.
i suppose you should hear a short explanation. it was never that i didn't want to be close to you, or that your vulnribility was too much. it was that after everything happened, i knew that i couldn't give you things you wanted from me, and that i had led you on in ways unfair to you. i felt that there was a lack of mutuality, it wasn't that i thought i cared for you less than you for me, but that near the end, i felt an uncomfortable placement of being superior, which isn't how i believe you and i to be, i just saw myself in prior situations in who you were, and it wasn't fair. i was also in the middle of a space of tenstion with, did you say Ruby, and i just felt like the one thing that would be fair to you would be backing away.
i know it sounds like i'm asking for redemption, but i just needed to explain. please dig very deep before you tell what i should do next, as deep as you can go. i want you to heal from whatever you felt from me. i also may not be the *bright thing* you thought i might have been, a part of me can talk and not walk the walk, atleast not walk if i'm talking so damn fast, ya know? i would like to be your friend, but i don't want that to bring back anything for you, i would want to get to know you again, i wouldn't want you to feel consumed. i hope you know what i mean. i really do.
qoute of the day:
communication can only happen between equals.
there are somethings you can only learn threw experience, and i have known and known what it is to be were you are now. i just want you to try and understand the ways i could realistically feed you and the ways i could hurt you, and tell me what you think i should do.
thank you for sharing with me, very brave, very brave indeed.
boom boom boom
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