But what for?

What am I doing? I was moving so quickly, so efficiently, until now. My clock is ticking backwards, my distractions are wearing off. I fill my life up to forget for a while. I work so hard at distracting myself from the inevitable facts: the only true vulnerability that I have ever trusted was gone. After one day, it was gone. She was gone. I just kept telling myself that she would be back, and filling up my life with anything that helped other people. Now, it's almost as if I hold a full-time activist position, without anytime for self consideration.
But I'm remembering. I'm remembering that comfort that I had never felt before. I'm remembering the love I feel, and the ease at which we existed in the same space and time. Most of all, I remember her incredible patience with me, like no one else I had ever experienced. She waited paitently while I found the right words for some of what I wanted to say to the world. She was the only person that I have ever met that understood so well how my mind worked, and why it works this way. My hope is that she too, felt the same way, though I'm starting to doubt it.

Now what? I've come up with new distractions, but how much does that really help, and for how long? It's as if I'm going back to seventh grade, looking up pictures of Katherine Moenning and Kate Winslet on Google. This is stupid.


This is something else stupid -- An e-mail I sent to Isaac about Lousa's new onine pictures, which he asked me questions about. So here:

Fuck. Louisa. I KNOW! See, I've inspected then quite a bit. The long hair one is super old, because her lebret peircing closed up. The other one is really recent, because all of her scars look completely faded (though she's probably wearing make up), and she must have cut her hair again (thank God). But fuck, she's HOT!
Fuck.
Fuck.
I think I know that she's moved. Now, she lives by seven corners, I think. I have no fucking clue, but I'm almost positive that it is without Ruby, and I can assure you that she has most definitely not contacted me. I think moving on might be my best bet. Fuck. I was kind of hoping that it wouldn't come to this so abruptly.

I'm forgetting about Kendra for a while. I think I just need to sit around and be distracted. Thanks anyway.

Names changed for insecurity's sake.

Isaac,

This is stupid and fucked up. To give you any idea, I need to start from the beginning: Last year, in February.
Matthew and I were on the rocks. My first real realtionship was falling apart after two and a half years.
March, Last year: Ashland trip is coming up. I've gone to ashland every year, and this year would be no exception, or so I thought. Other people got paperwork turned in before me, I'm turned away from going to Ashland, the thing that I expected to save my relationship.
May, Last year: Ashland happens. Matthew goes and cheats on me, down hill from there. Some how it wasn't until June (when he had cheated on me with two other girls in addition) that we actually broke up. (What were we thinking?)

I AM DETERMINED TO GET TO ASHLAND THIS YEAR.

This February: I get the forms the fist day, and get everything signed by the end of the week. My parents start saving up money for me, and I am accepted for a half scholarship. In going to get my teacher's signatures, they inform me that I need to wait until third trimester starts, as Ashland takes place in third trimester. It makes sense, so I decide to wait.
Last Friday: I over hear Matthew on the bus going home saying that one of his stupid friends was turned away from Ashland because Wednesday was the deadline. This can't be right. I write out a very thoughtful few paragraphs explaining why I deserve to go over the weekend, and my mom aggrees to give me the money straight up.
TODAY: I go to Jan (teacher in charge of Ashland). No available spots. I tell her the whole story, how my life has just beengoing downhill for months, and the best ican get is 6th on the waiting list. No one EVER drops out of Ashland. Theres no way I can go. I'm not going to get to see the five plays, despite the fact that most of the other people going have absolutely no appreciation for theater whatsoever, and they would be terrible MLC representatives.

I have my head on a desk in my science room, couting the seconds until I can just go to sleep tonight. Elliot thinks he's helping by hugging me, but he's not. My Anatomy and Physiology teacher, Sarah, is wearing the same thing she wears everyday, and she has her hair tied back just the same. I am so pissed off, and all I get is the static looks from strangers, or the sympathetic (but more pathetic) looks froom students, and the careless looks from teachers. I miss Louisa a lot.

I can't believe I'm fucking sending you this. No judgements, and just know that I'm not quite myself right now. See, I'm even skipping class. I haven't done this since seventh grade (at least). Fuck.

-K