But what for?

What am I doing? I was moving so quickly, so efficiently, until now. My clock is ticking backwards, my distractions are wearing off. I fill my life up to forget for a while. I work so hard at distracting myself from the inevitable facts: the only true vulnerability that I have ever trusted was gone. After one day, it was gone. She was gone. I just kept telling myself that she would be back, and filling up my life with anything that helped other people. Now, it's almost as if I hold a full-time activist position, without anytime for self consideration.
But I'm remembering. I'm remembering that comfort that I had never felt before. I'm remembering the love I feel, and the ease at which we existed in the same space and time. Most of all, I remember her incredible patience with me, like no one else I had ever experienced. She waited paitently while I found the right words for some of what I wanted to say to the world. She was the only person that I have ever met that understood so well how my mind worked, and why it works this way. My hope is that she too, felt the same way, though I'm starting to doubt it.

Now what? I've come up with new distractions, but how much does that really help, and for how long? It's as if I'm going back to seventh grade, looking up pictures of Katherine Moenning and Kate Winslet on Google. This is stupid.


This is something else stupid -- An e-mail I sent to Isaac about Lousa's new onine pictures, which he asked me questions about. So here:

Fuck. Louisa. I KNOW! See, I've inspected then quite a bit. The long hair one is super old, because her lebret peircing closed up. The other one is really recent, because all of her scars look completely faded (though she's probably wearing make up), and she must have cut her hair again (thank God). But fuck, she's HOT!
Fuck.
Fuck.
I think I know that she's moved. Now, she lives by seven corners, I think. I have no fucking clue, but I'm almost positive that it is without Ruby, and I can assure you that she has most definitely not contacted me. I think moving on might be my best bet. Fuck. I was kind of hoping that it wouldn't come to this so abruptly.

I'm forgetting about Kendra for a while. I think I just need to sit around and be distracted. Thanks anyway.